The ‘Overthinking’ Mind

Worrying, for some (especially over-thinkers like me), has the potential to become a full-time occupation. The brain chunters away below the surface of whatever else is going on in life, taking in the view, and coming up with the worst possible situation at any given moment.

At any given moment, the brain might choose to fixate on something, gets it teeth stuck in, gnaw away at a previous innocuous circumstance, inflaming it, turning it wild. At this point, the thinker had better have the nous to step smartly away, take the brain in hand, and stop making things worse.

The advanced over-thinker can even worry about worrying, is this you?

Worrying (I think) stems from a sense of self-preservation. If we can imagine the worst possible outcomes, we can prepare to manage them, or better, avoid them completely. If we can envisage catastrophe, we can hopefully see a way to extricate ourselves before it happens, or at least with as little damage as possible. Worrying might well be ingrained in our systems precisely because it is such an effective protector of life. Without it, we wouldn’t be here.

Our early years are fraught with the contagious concerns of our parents, regarding what we might touch, trip, or choke on. We learn to be cautious, even fearful. We learn to internalise a cycle of worrying in hope it might prevent disaster. At some point, this vicious cycle has to be stopped, or consume the thinker entirely.

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Maslow’s base concerns aside, it’s easy to get lost in the back and forth of whether or not one’s other needs are being adequately met.

From a safety point of view, worries can appear like pop-ups in the day to day life; do you have enough money to last the month? Am I going to make it on time?  Should I find an alternative route to this dark alleyway?

Worries about the next tier up (love and belonging) are less a pop-up, and more of a series of tangling threads weaving through the everyday. In spite of the luxury of some of those threads remaining consistent and strong, there’s always a trail of loose ends and snaggling thoughts regarding belonging, the deserving (or not) of love, and whether or not I think enough of myself to feel I ought to belong in the first place.

Here, the tangling thoughts grow seeds and roots, tapping deep into the next level up – esteem. Worries in this area are sown early, childhood experiences proving fertile ground for those demon seeds to set root, forcing their tendrils through the psyche, cracking it beyond all knowledge of repair. When life waters those seeds ( and it does, often), the hell-plants take on vigour, bearing stinking blossoms, fast-falling fruit, and a further smattering of demon seeds to start the cycle once more, with feeling. The thicket of worries rooted in esteem has only proven susceptible to machetes wielded carefully by those who care deeply, and the blazing sunshine of their love, from which is recoils, screaming.

Conversely, the worries surrounding self-actualisation, I have found consistently encouraging, as though finding new things to concern myself with mean additional stepping stones along the way, with the implication that each stepping stone stepped is one less stone that needs stepping in the future. As though I am something which can ever be finished. However distant that goal, I am content in discovering new ways to become my best self, and part of the joy is in the journey – seeing how far I’ve come, as well as how far I think I can go. In the meantime, I am determined to value the small successes, and reap their rewards, even if my status never goes beyond ‘Becoming’, I am certain it will only be in response to the shifting sands of time and circumstance, and half the fun is in navigating the changes in life.

In all cases, counting my blessings and being thankful has always proven suitable recourse from worrying, with the added advantage that once I realise how relatively little I have to worry about, and element of freedom creeps in, lifting my spirits.

 

Thank you for reading, there will be a follow up post to this with top tips on how to stop overthinking. Keep your eyes peeled lovelies.

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March Goals

Before I say a single word guys, I just want to apologise for this post being soooo late. We’re already a week into March and time is just flying by. I am usually incredibly organised I promise, but with me getting into work and trying to put that first, I have struggled to piece this together. But, here we are and lets do it!

 

Again, this month I am going to be focusing on my personal development and just growing as a person. So to begins, I’m going to review my last months goals to see where I have achieved.

 

Daily Task Sheets

This really healthy routine has really helped me get through February efficiently, especially in terms of my blog and wanting to network more with fellow bloggers. As I discussed in my February goals post, this method of work was to help me stay motivated and interact with others. I thought I would share with you my progress for the month, as you can see below;

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This method is definitely something I will be carrying on with from month to month as I feel it has really helped me stay on track daily.

 

Use my new weekly planner

One thing I wanted to achieve last month was more productivity and organisation. I think that has definitely been hit! This AMAZING little weekly planner has been soooo helpful when tracking when I’m next in work even down to my contraception. Again, definitely something I will carry on using to keep me on track.

Find a job

As you may have seen already, I GOT THE JOB AT COSTA!!! So in my last post I spoke about the interview I had at Costa for a supervisor role and I got it. I couldn’t be any happier! I am feeling a lot better in myself and almost a little more ‘normal’. My confidence has grown with speaking to people on a daily basis and at the same time I’m earning these pennies to pay the bills. Fingers crossed, the only way is up now.

Eat more consistently

Being totally honest with you guys, I have smashed this goal. I’ve been eating a lot more consistently and actually put on a bit of weight. With my partner training for his bodybuilding competitions later on in the year, I have been training a little bit with him and picked up some really good habits so I’m grateful to have such a positive influence in my life.

 

Moving on to my goals for March then…

Talk more

I understand that this may sound absolutely ridiculous, but to me, this is kinda important. Talking is something that doesn’t come easy to me, especially in times of anxiety or when doubting my own opinion. Sometimes I feel as though my opinion isn’t valid or somewhat necessary when talking to my partner or family members. One thing that I need to remember is to believe in my own feelings and thoughts and ‘talk more’ to help with my own self acceptance.

Read daily

One thing I genuinely haven’t done since school is read a book and even then I found it very difficult to actually take in what I was reading. I’d tend to just ‘skim-read’ and not process anything.

I have decided to buy two books which I saw in Tesco a few weeks ago and had a little bit of a burning desire for them. They really do look incredible. So, basically Fearne Cotton has a series of books which are aimed at personal development. The first being named, “Happy” and the second, “Calm”.

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I’m not going to say that I have to finish one of these in March as I feel this is a little unrealistic for myself and my history with reading. But, one thing I am going to do is at least read a little every day just so I’m almost programming my brain to want to read and actually enjoy it. I think it may help with winding down at the end of a long day.

 

My health comes first

This is a bit of a weird one I guess. Basically, so many people keep telling me to look after myself and that my health comes first and I feel as though it’s really difficult to just sit and and accept that maybe sometimes I’m not going to be okay. I am that person who will keep going and going until I literally can’t stand anymore. E.g. I will push myself at work even if I aren’t well and yeah I’ll more than likely be worse off for it.

With my undiagnosed issue of fitting and having seizures, I really do need to be careful not to overwork myself. Most of the time I feel totally fine and it takes me by surprise but I think if I just take it easy from now and again then it might help. The worst thing about it is that I am literally sat in limbo until August when I get to go to the hospital to see a neurologist. What do I do till then? Am I supposed to just carry on like everything is normal? How are me and my boyfriend supposed to live a normal life where he isn’t worried about leaving me on my own?

 

Anyway, enough of me ranting about my health, that’s my goals for the month and I’m really hoping to smash them. As for last months goals, they will not be forgotten and I will still be using my weekly and daily trackers, as well as eating properly too.

I hope you lovelies have enjoyed reading, any questions or feedback would be highly appreciate so feel free to leave below.

10 Powerful Ways to Overcome Self-Doubt

Self-doubt can be troubling and somewhat a persuasive voice that holds you back. It holds you back from seizing your opportunities. It makes getting started or finishing things harder than they need to be.
Sure, it can sometimes be useful as it helps you to soberly see your current limitations or simply recognise a half-baked or bad idea. But mostly, it holds you back in life.
So how can you get around that, how can you overcome those times of self-doubt so that you can move forward once again?
In this post, I’ll be exploring some tips and habits that have helped me to decrease that destructive inner voice.

1. Say stop

First, when your inner doubts bubble up, be quick. Don’t let them spin out of control or grow from a whisper to a scream of discouraging words. Instead, talk back to that doubtful part of yourself.
In your mind, say or shout something like: No, no, no, we are not going down that road again. By doing so you can disrupt the thought pattern and stop that inner self-doubter from taking over.

2. Look to the past and awash yourself in the memories

Be real with yourself and ask yourself:
How many times when I doubted myself or feared something would happen did that negative thing come into reality after I still took action?
The answer for me — and probably for you too — is not very often at all.
Self-doubts are most often just monsters in your head that your mind may use to keep you from making changes and to keep you within the comfort zone.
If you look to the past and see how well things have gone many times despite those self-doubts then it becomes easier to let go of them or to ignore them and to focus on the more likely positive outcome and to take action.

3. Talk to someone about it

When you keep your thoughts on the inside they can become distorted, exaggerated and not very much in line with reality or reasonable expectations. This is very much true when it comes to self-doubting thoughts.
So let them out into the light. Talk to someone close to you about your self-doubts. Just letting them out and saying them out loud can often help you to hear how exaggerated these thoughts have become. And by talk about those doubts with someone that is supportive you can get a change in perspective.

4. Don’t get stuck in the comparison trap

If you compare yourself to other people all too often, to their successes and especially to their highlight reels that they share on social media then self-doubt can quickly creep up.
A better way to go about things is to compare yourself to yourself. To see how far you’ve come. To see what you’ve overcome. And to see how you’ve kept going, succeeded and grown as a human being.

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5. Start keeping a journal

Keeping a journal can be a helpful habit for many reasons. When it comes to self-doubt it can help you to:

  • Keep a realistic record of your life as this helps you to remember the positive things, the successes you have had and how you have overcome obstacles if you are prone to remembering things with a negative slant.
  • Gain clarity more easily. It is often easier to alleviate fears and doubts and to gain clarity if you have an issue laid out on paper or in a computer document rather than if you try to go through it all in your mind. By making lists of pros and cons, going through your thoughts and emotions and similar events from the past and by writing down different perspectives on the issue it becomes easier to find solutions and to see your challenge in a clearer and more level-headed way.

6. Remember: people don’t care that much about what you do or say

When you worry about what others may think or say if you do something then the self-doubt can quickly become stronger and you get stuck in inaction and in fear.
When that happens remind yourself that the truth is that people don’t really care that much about what you do or not do. They have their hands full with thinking about themselves, their kids and pets, jobs and upcoming sports matches and with worrying about what people may think of them.

7. What someone said or did might not be about you (or about what you think it is)

When someone criticises you then it’s easy to start doubting yourself. When someone rejects you and you don’t get the job after an interview you think went pretty well then it’s not so strange to get down on yourself.
But what if what he or she said or did really isn’t about you at all?
Perhaps your co-worker that verbally lashed out at you is having a bad day, month or time outside of work. And you might not have gotten that job because the managers mum got sick and they had to focus on that and were then unable to employ as there was nobody to train new starters.
You don’t know everything that is going on in another person’s life. And the world doesn’t revolve around you so be cautious not to misinterpret and build blame and doubt without any reason.

8. See a setback as temporary

When you have a setback then you might start to see things through a negative and dark lens. You might see this current setback as something that will simply be your new normal.
This way of looking at things can trap you in thinking that there’s no point in continuing to take action.
So instead:

  • Remember: You are not a failure just because you failed. Setbacks happen to everyone who take chances. It is simply a part of living life fully. Sometimes things go well and sometimes they don’t. So don’t make a failure into this huge thing or into your identity.
  • Ask yourself: what is one thing I can learn from this setback? Use the mistake or failure to your advantage and to move forward once again in a smarter way.

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9. Celebrate that small step and win

When you’ve taken one small step forward — for example, set up your own website or gone for the first 5 minute run in months or years — and you’re done with it then you have a win. It may be a small one but it’s still a win. So celebrate it.
Have a tasty snack or your favourite food for dinner, spend some time on your favourite hobby or by yourself something you’ve wanted for a long time. This will renew and recharge your motivation and make taking action feel more exciting and fun. And that will push self-doubts aside so that you can keep moving and get more small and bigger wins.

10. Remember: You can course-correct along the way

Trying to plan every move you will make on a journey towards a goal or dream can become draining and lead to quite a bit of self-doubt. And it usually won’t work that well anyway since the best laid plans often start to fall apart a bit or need some change when they are confronted with reality. Acceptance of this is key.
So do a bit of rough planning and then start your journey, it’s all trial and error. Remember that you can always course-correct along the way towards what you want. Empowered by the new knowledge, experience and feedback you will get as you keep going on that path.
To round this all up, I definitely feel that self-doubt is something that many of us do naturally and somewhat don’t realise we do. I hope that these 10 tips help you all on the road to overcoming self-doubt.
Please feel free to drop any questions or queries below.
Thank you for reading x

When Fear Is Stopping You From Achieving

I was having a little think the other day about the amount of people who go through life holding themselves back from pursuing their dreams. The amount of people who hold themselves back from doing the purposeful work that they think they want to pursue.
What’s holding them back?
Fear of putting themselves out there in public. Fear of failure. Fear of being judged. Fear of choosing the wrong path. Fear of not being good enough.
Do any of these fears sound familiar? They’re very common, and hold a lot of people back from pushing themselves into the discomfort and uncertainty of meaningful work.
These fears cause us to procrastinate, distract ourselves, comfort ourselves with food and social media and shopping and games, avoid even thinking about it, and beat ourselves up for not doing anything.
If we could deal with these fears, we’d all be highly successful in whatever we wanted from life.
I’d like to share just a few techniques that will help overcome that fear and hopefully allow you to pursue your dreams:

Allow yourself to feel the fear

This is where we bring in mindfulness — when you’re feeling fear, instead of turning away from it or trying to escape/avoid it… try running towards it. Actually allow yourself to feel the fear. We don’t often want to feel it, but we have a greater capacity to feel fear that we give ourselves credit for.
Try it: notice how the fear feels in your body. Not your story about it, but the actual physical sensations of the fear in your body. Allow yourself to stay with it, to be with it, to tell yourself that it’s OK. Be friendly towards yourself and the feeling of fear, gentle, curious, open.
You will transform your relationship with it, even if it doesn’t go away. In fact, you’ll start to realise that you don’t need to get rid of the fear, you don’t need to do anything about it. It’s not a problem, it’s just a feeling, just an experience, just a part of the meaningful work you want to do.

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Exposure Therapy

Most people make the mistake of imagining themselves at the scariest part of the journey of their meaningful work — speaking in front of a huge crowd if you want to do public presentations, having an audience of hundreds of people if you want to write a blog or do a podcast, managing a huge team if you want to run a non-profit organisation.
But that’s like wanting to be an actor and starting at the Oscars. You’re not ready for that kind of pressure. Instead, start with smaller organisations, freelance, do it for yourself and work your way up.
If you’re an author, this means just write one blog post. No one will read it at first, so there’s no pressure. Then write another in your own time.
If you want to do public speaking, just speak in front of a few friends. Then a group of 10 people. One small step at a time, and you’ll get more and more prepared as you do each step.
This is known as “exposure therapy” — exposing yourself gradually to the thing you fear, starting with the least scary version of it. It is quite effective, and you can use it by structuring your progress gradually, starting very small.

Practice Dropping Your Ego

Fear comes up because we have a story about what might happen to us — for example, “If I try to write this book (or start this business), I’ll fail, people will judge me, because I’m not good enough.” This is natural, and it’s good to notice what our story is, to become more self aware, and then to start to see its power over us.
Once we become more aware of the story, we can practice dropping it. And dropping the ego (self-centeredness) that is at the centre of the story. How? By dropping into the present moment, becoming aware of the sensations of the body, the breathe, the fear, and everything that surrounds you.
Dropping into the present moment, becoming fully immersed in what is happening right now, our ego drops away. The story about what might happen drops away. We can’t think about both at the same time. So the story will come back (along with our self concern) and then we practice dropping everything again and being present. Arise and drop, over and over, until we get good at letting go and being here.
Being in the present, we can do the work. Take the next step. Not worry about ourselves, but instead take action for the sake of the people we most deeply want to serve.

Open, Open, Open to Joy

So we’re taking small steps (exposing ourselves gradually to the fear), we’re feeling the fear, we’re dropping the ego and stepping into the present — now from this place, we can practice opening.
What is practising opening like? Imagine that you have to do the hard work to get your meaningful project started. You feel the fear and resistance, stay present with it, but open to the action of the task in front of you. You become fully present with the task, opening your mind and heart to it. You start to fully appreciate the beauty and joy of the task, opening yourself to this incredible experience, which might include discomfort, uncertainty, fear and resistance. All of it.
It’s all mixed in with the joy and gratitude you feel for being here, now, with this task. Doing it for people you care about, not only yourself. It’s fantastic, and you have the privilege of being able to do it.
If you’d like to dive deeper into facing this fear, come practice with me in my personal development coaching sessions. We’re going to train in this together.

The Power of the Mind

So today’s post is all about ‘The Power of the Mind’. I’m going to be discussing how powerful the mind is when wanting to achieve your goals and better your successes. I hope you lovelies enjoy!

Whatever you desire, you can achieve it using MIND POWER.

Basically guys, all physical reality is made up of vibrations of energy, even your thoughts are vibrations of energy. Your thoughts have an incredible influence on your life and how you live it. Sounds pretty basic right?

Your thoughts affect what happens to you. Most of us go through life taking little notice of our thought processes: how the mind thinks, what it fears, what it says to itself and what it pushes to one side. We usually go about our lives with minimal attention to what we think, usually neglecting one of the most important and powerful forces in our life: our thoughts.

What you focus on, you attract…

Mind power is directing your thoughts towards a desired outcome. Focus on success and you attract success.Focus of failure and fear and you attract failure. Mind power is all about understanding these principles and making our thoughts work for us. If you use your thoughts consciously you will awaken a whole new life of power and opportunity.

In order to make changes in our lives, we need to change the way we use our mind. We cannot use both positive and negative thoughts at the same time as one always overpowers the other.

To change the external, you must change the internal.

A lot of people usually forget this step and try to change the external conditions by working directly on the condition but most of the time this proves to be a temporary fix, unless it is accompanied by a change of thoughts and beliefs.

If you train your conscious mind to think thoughts of success, happiness and prosperity this will help you learn to ween out negativity such as fear and worry. Trying to keep the mind busy with the expectation of the best will help better your lifestyle.

So what about the subconscious mind?

Your subconscious mind is your partner in success so get it working for you!

The subconscious mind is a second, almost hidden mind that exists within you. It’s main goal is to attract circumstances and situations that match the images you have within. Thinking of it visually, it’s a little bit like fertile soil which will grow anything you plant within it. Your thoughts and beliefs are seeds that are being constantly sown.

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It’s your responsibility to be aware of how this process works and carefully selecting what reaches your subconscious. For a lot of us, this process hasn’t been explained and therefore results in allowing all thoughts, good and bad, to reach the subconscious.

Your subconscious accepts what is impressed upon it with feeling and repetition, whether these thoughts are positive or negative. It does not evaluate things like your conscious mind does. This is why it is so important to be aware of what you are thinking.

Once you are able to input positivity and images of what you want into your subconscious, ‘chance-events’ will start happening to you. To a lot of people, this is what is known as a coincidence or good luck. Instead, it is literally the forces that YOU have set in motion with your thoughts.

Get on top of life with creative visualisations!

So how can we use this reality in our lives? By focusing daily on what you desire. The mind power system consists of easily learned techniques that will help you focus and direct your thoughts. One that is really important to myself is visualisation.

Visualisation is all about creating a mental image of what you actually want. When you repeat these images over and over, and see success in whatever goal you may have then the mind uses its power so you’re more likely to achieve these goals.

The key to visualising is to always visualise that you already have what you desire. This is a mental trick. Rather than hoping you will achieve it, or building confidence that one day it will happen, live and feel it as if it is happening to you now.

Focus and direct your thoughts and amazing things will happen.

Another powerful way of taking control over the subconscious mind is to use affirmations. By doing this, you affirm to yourself whatever it is that you desire. For example, if you have an important interview coming up, you could affirm to yourself that you will have “a great interview”. So instead of the mind seeing success, it hears success and reacts to influence your thoughts.

When I make affirmations I always make sure that they are positive and that I don’t doubt myself. It is always important to keep it short and simple so that you can repeat it without even thinking. Also, I feel that you don’t have to force yourself to believe it. Just say it and it will naturally have an effect on you.

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Eliminate negative thinking

Worry, fear, and negative thinking allow the mind to focus on things you don’t want. Train your mind to think about what you want in life, and avoid thinking about what you don’t want. Negative thinking drains your energy and is counterproductive; that is why fear is so destructive and why despair and hopelessness must be avoided. In a way, this is the key to success.

So how do we eliminate this negative thinking?  The first step is to recognise the importance of eliminating negative thoughts, and the second step is to be aware when negatives are happening to us. An important thing to remember is that you can’t avoid negative thinking entirely. Sometimes negative thoughts just pop into our mind but when this happens it helps to be aware, so that we immediately recognise when we are thinking negatively. There are many ways of minimising the effects of negative thoughts:

  1. Changing the negative thought into a positive one e.g. if you are worried about what could go wrong in a situation, think about what could go right.
  2. Reminding yourself that a negative thought is just a negative thought and it has no power unless you give it power.

The key to all of this is consistency with whatever you practise and self belief that you can do it. I think it’s important to understand that the mind controls an awful lot of us and we can work with it to get a positive outcome.

I really hope you guys enjoyed this post. Let me know your thoughts below.

Mollie x

February Goals

So after what feels like centuries later we have finallyyyyy reached February! And that means it’s time for some GOAL SETTING.

This month for me is going to be a month revolving around productivity and self development. To achieve this, I have decided to have 4 key goals to help me get to a better place emotionally, physically and mentally. They are as follows:

Daily Tasks Sheet

A lot of it for me can change day to day so with this I am trying to get into a healthy routine with my self development and interaction with others. I feel this will motivate me to get things done even on the hardest days. As you guys can see, a lot of the daily tasks are social media related so yes that means that you guys are going to be seeing more of me. 

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*Just how cute is this?*

For example, I want to be supporting you guys just as much as you lovelies support me. I want to be posting as many Instagram stories as possible. Retweeting tweets, reading and liking blogs #INTERACTION.

I feel that this will keep me busy and also help with my mental health. Keeping busy and doing what I love always helps keep the negative thoughts to one side so we could say that this is going to be incredibly positive for my progression.

Use my new weekly planner

Again, this month is all about being organised and using my time efficiently to get things done. Planning forms stability right? And I guess that’s what I’m missing right now. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going half the time which is also a huge hindrance on my health. With this in mind, I was doing a little cheeky B&M shopping trip when I came across this little beauty …

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*£3.99… BARGAIN!*

Honestly, I didn’t even think I just picked it up and went home and put it on the wall. I didn’t even consult my partner. He came home and just giggled and congratulated me on getting a job interview as you can see from the picture. Which leads me to my next goal…

Find a job 

This is a really big thing for me. From being in a job I absolutely adored to then going through homelessness and losing my job and literally everything. Now is the time to pick myself back up and get my ass back in the working world. After all, the bills have got to be paid and that stress is far too heavy at the moment and time is running out to be perfectly honest.

I want to tell myself that my health couldn’t be better but as I’m writing this with a box of tissues next to me and a banging headache that doesn’t really cut it. Being honest with you guys, I’m struggling. And it’s okay to say that I’m struggling. For a few months, I have been under investigation due to me having seizure like fits which really do have no explanation. I totally lose consciousness and am totally unresponsive. It’s quite scary really, nobody knows what’s wrong with me. So as you guys can probably imagine, going back into work is very daunting but something I’m going to overcome.

#HUSTLEBABY

Eat more consistently 

Something I’ve been struggling with lately is eating, like at all. I can hand on heart say that this isn’t because I’m suffering with any form of eating disorder. I feel it’s truly because I just don’t even think to eat, it doesn’t cross my mind. I don’t feel hungry so I don’t eat. It’s so unusual for me because before this I battled really hard to form a good relationship with food and understand that food is needed to keep healthy and it’s my fuel to do the things I need to do. But these past few months I’ve found it really hard to incorporate eating into my daily routine.

Moving forward, I’m wanting to grow that relationship with food even more so that I’m eating not just healthily but consistently. By this I mean like having 3 meals a day even if they’re small. What I won’t be doing anymore is not eating all day and then sitting down at 10pm and snacking on crisps and little things.

Healthy body = Healthy Mind

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*So this is what I ate for my evening meal last night and I must admit… I actually really enjoyed it* 

That now brings me to the end of my February goals. I hope you all enjoyed reading and will check back at the end of the month when I reflect on how I’ve done. If any of you guys have any advice then feel free to leave comments below.

Until next time lovelies,

Mollie x

Embracing Me

For so long now I’ve been battling with my inner voice. The one that tells me I’m not good enough, the one that tells me I’m unlovable, that I’m too fat, too ugly and I’m not worth life. I feel like every week it’s something new that my inner saboteur is telling me, trying to push me to the limit till I break, but so far I have done a pretty good job of managing it, that was until this time last year I let it all get to me.

 

I had one of my biggest breakdowns yet, my mental health was shattered and I just didn’t want to live anymore. I would of happily let death take me away. Everything got on top of me, everything came crashing down and I didn’t see a reason to live because obviously the voice in my head was right…right? I didn’t tell anyone about it, keeping it to myself was something that just came naturally. I wanted to appear strong, but that didn’t help at all and I don’t know why I haven’t learnt from this mistake as it’s one I have made on many occasions. I wasn’t myself for a while. I let my job go to waste, and I really did lose everything. My home, my job, the small handful of friends that I did have … all gone. I pushed everyone away which I didn’t even realise. It was easier to be on my own because I didn’t have to waste energy pretending everything was okay. I always thought I was pretty good at faking a smile as I used to do it daily without thinking about it but it just got harder and harder.

 

There came a point last year where it was just me, four walls, one room and my own thoughts. Sat in the window of my basic YMCA room, staring at the outside world wondering whether anybody else was feeling the way I was feeling. I really did hit the lowest of the low and did some things that were totally out of character. Luckily though, I fought off my inner demons, I didn’t let them win and take my life because I am worth so much more, SOOO MUCH MORE.

 

After many months, giving myself a pep talk, thinking about all the things I have to be thankful for and looking into my partners eyes I eventually saw the other side. I’m not letting depression win again, this isn’t going to break me to the point of no return so I’ve picked myself up and dusted myself off. No more. I am worth life. I am enough. I am amazing.

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I always worry about how I look, I always worry if my body is disgusting and I don’t know why. Why am I so mean to myself? My body has done amazing things. It carries my wherever I need to go, it’s my permanent house and if I can’t treat it right and show it some love then do I really deserve it? I have gotten to the point where I no longer want to be ashamed, to cover up in baggy clothing to hide myself. I’m going to start doing the things I love again. These stripes on my body symbolise the progress I’ve made both in my depression and anxiety and an eating disorder. They symbolise my journey. I shouldn’t be worrying about what other people think of my body, my body is none of their business and if I want to rock a bikini then I’m sure as hell going to rock a bikini. I have held myself back from so much because I have been worried about my shape or size or even how I look. It’s silly when I think about it because who really cares? Who cares what size I am? Does anyone actually care whether I’m a size 4 or a size 20? No, they care about whether I am a good person or not. Who doesn’t want to be friends with someone because of their size on a clothing label? Embracing myself and my body is very important to me, no more hiding who I am because of what others may think.

It’s not something that is going to happen overnight but I am getting there, I am learning to trust in myself, to trust in my ideas and own it. I need to get on board with myself and be my own biggest fan rather than my worst enemy. That’s where it starts, that’s where greatness happens and if I want to succeed in life I better get trusting in my own decisions and loving myself rather than second guessing everything and working against myself.

 

There is so much I want to embrace about myself, I have gotten to the point where it’s now or never because I really don’t want to go through life hating on myself. I want to show the world that self love is important, that knowing your worth and knowing you’re amazing is okay. It’s ok to own it, be your biggest fan, love yourself and show it to the world. I wouldn’t want anybody to feel like they’re not good enough and hopefully me showing that you can battle through it and own your life and live it the way you want to will have a detrimental effect on you guys.

 

I am hoping to every month put up a post talking about the steps I have been taking to embrace myself. This is an introduction of sorts to a monthly series I will have. I’ll talk about the tips and tricks I have been applying to my life plus an update to how it’s all going. I want the world to embrace this attitude because each and every one of you ARE amazing and you should be sharing your talents with the world, believe in yourself and shine. It’s taking me this long to finally get to grips with it.